Woman, thy name is
by azriel.infinite
Summary: When you walk on by, will you call my name? *Varia fic*


Notes: Once upon a time, I stumbled across a doujin cover where Xanxus was drawn as a girl. This is the result. :D

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**from her eyes, a different smile like that of one who knows**

So when the boss walks around the polished, dead-polished shiny halls of Varia everybody knows to veer the hell out, don't look at her pretty boobs or her pretty legs, or the way she bites her lips in such an attractive, dangerous way. Squalo knows that better than anyone, having made the mistake of announcing to the boss that _Uuoi, boss, you're looking good, see that's why I followed you, it's because of your boo- I mean, rage, rage, yeah_, and basically his head was pathetically introduced to the bottom of her whiskey glass afterwards, leaving Squalo with that feeling of "what the hell have I just done" and "boy I'm glad I still have my job and I haven't been castrated yet". The boss is pretty, yeah, and she knows it, what with how she struts so sexily around the halls but when she passes by you'd better keep your hands to yourself; don't touch her; she burns like fire, yeah, but she's as cold as hell.

Belphegor walks behind her and when she sits on her throne he kisses her hands gently, warmly, a little more restrained than usual even though he'd like to wank off to the feel of her hand and the smooth skin pressed right against a prince's lips but that's obscene, that's low, no Queen is going to agree to that and besides, that sounds childish for a prince so he just watches, presses a soft kiss, restrains himself from doing more. He's seen what she did to Squalo, he didn't want a repeat of that to him. She might hit his crown. No, wait, she will. Damn.

The Queen of Varia knows that everybody knows that you can't have her, can't have someone like her (_so pretty, oh so pretty,_ Lussuria sings), and so she walks and struts the halls like hell and everybody knows to veer the hell out, or bow down your head in submission and a sign of appreciation for those nice, long legs. Among other things and body parts.

Mmm. Yummy.

**I want you so bad it's driving me mad, it's driving me mad**

She's sitting on a throne with her legs crossed, wearing a skirt and some nice blouse and she's giving them a heads-up (haha, heads-up) on tomorrow's assignment: an assassination of a minor political character that presents an annoyance to the Vongola, has to be stopped otherwise government might get involved, might find out about other Mafia alliances of the Vongola, etcetera etcetera. Squalo nods and nods and offers a word or two and he's totally not looking at her legs, which are white and shiny and very very pretty and he's betting that if you slid a hand underneath that skirt it'll feel warm and heavenly -- but he's not thinking about that, really. He's looking at the files he's been given and nodding at the approppriate times and saying "Hn" every now and then and he's not looking at her legs. Or her boobs, which were big. And, um, very pretty. He's guessing the boss may be a size C and he thinks, all of a sudden, _why the fuck do I know her breast size_. From across the table Belphegor is leering at him because he's guessed at what filthiness his mind contains and he's about to scream _UUUUOOOIII, STOP READIIIIIING MY MIIIIIND_ when:

"Squalo, wipe that fucking snarl out of your face and pay attention when I'm talking. Heaven knows how much of my entire lecture has actually gone through your thick head," Xanxus said, her red lips pronouncing every word in such a sultry tone (_even when she swears, damn, she's hot_)and he was going to come out with a witty comeback but she ends the meeting right then and there and takes out a lollipop to suck on it. And Squalo, fascinated, watches the candy go in and out, in and out of her mouth until Xanxus realizes just _where_ the hell is he looking at and sets his seat on fire. And throws her whiskey glass at him. She never forgets to whack his head.

--

When he got out Belphegor made a comment that pissed him off:

"You know," he said casually, as if the main intention of this prince was not to screw with his head at all, "I noticed the boss was wearing red panties today. Silk, red panties. Bet you didn't see that, but I did, because I'm a prince, and princes are really good at these kinds of things. It was red with some lacy --"

He didn't get to finish that.

"DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOUUUUUUUU?!"

But of course, Squalo's also thinking of red silk panties, and the small expanse of skin that they're covering, and what would happen if--

But he gotta to run to his room first, he needs a cold shower. Badly.

**she's so heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy**

He remembers the best day of his life well:

Xanxus had left her whiskey glass somewhere in the conference room and had rung for someone to _give it to me or else_ in such nice, angry_sultry_ tones. He'd had to fight tooth and nail against Belphegor to grab it, and he had to fight some more against Levi's squad just so that he can deliver it to her room. When he got there, though, he'd forgotten to knock on her door (no, really) and was thus presented with the scene of a naked Xanxus putting on some lovely cherry-red lipstick over her lips and, well, needless to say he just crashed. On the floor. Before her feet. Bloodloss and all. And Xanxus screamed with all the fury of a thousand banshees and threw the whiskey glass on to his head, the nearest pillow she can grab, an ottoman, a lamp shade, two empty bottles of whiskey, her full-length mirror, stilletos as sharp as Belphegor's knives and maybe even more, and so on. Naked. He got about a hundred different lumps in his head after that, plus other injuries from her rage, but wow, he's seen the afterlife, and the afterlife was _good_ because hello, boobs and hello, legs, and hello, lips and hello, other things that he shouldn't have seen but saw anyway.

"Woooooooo-- owwww! Heeey! What the hell was that for?"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR? SUPERBI SQUALO, DO YOU WISH TO DIE, YOU SCUM?"

The Queen of Varia may be one hell of a bitch at times but _wow_, Squalo thinks, while nursing his injuries in the living room and grinning like an idiot, _do I have the best boss ever_.

Belphegor, however, was quite distraught. (Bel hadn't seen any of the nakedness; he was away on some other mission. Poor prince.)


End file.
